Be a Tiger

Sally and Eric were in their hotel room on their wedding night, preparing to consummate their marriage. Sally says, "I have one thing to tell you before we get in bed-I've had sex with one other man before I met you."
Eric thinks a minute and says, "That's no big deal. Who was it?"
"Tiger Woods."

Sally and Eric jump into bed and have a good session. Afterwards, Eric gets out of bed and begins to put on his underwear."What are you doing?" asks Sally. "I thought I'd get dressed and get some coffee."Sally says, "Tiger wouldn't have done that." "No?" says Eric, "What would Tiger have done?" "He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again." "All right!" says Eric, "let's go." They have another pretty good session, a little longer this time.

Wearily, Eric gets to his feet and begins to put on his underwear. "What are you doing?" asks Sally. "I thought I'd dress and get some coffee." Sally says, "Tiger wouldn't have done that." "No?" says Eric, "What would Tiger have done?" "He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again." Eric climbs back into bed, and this time a virtual marathon takes place.

Afterward, he slinks out of bed, braces himself against the bedpost and tries to get a leg in his underwear."What are you doing?" asks Sally. "I'm gonna get dressed and have some coffee." Sally says, "Tiger wouldn't have done that." "No?" says Eric, "What would Tiger have done now?" "He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again."

Eric plods to the nightstand and picks up the phone.
"Who are you calling?" Sally asks.
"Tiger Woods. I want to find out what the par is on this goddamn hole!"

Absolution Guaranteed

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had done. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily.
"I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now," said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact," said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can't remember anything he did last night. He picks up his robe from the floor and puts it on. He notices there's something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra. He thinks, "What happened last night?" He walks towards the bathroom and finds a pair of panties in the other pocket of his robe. Again he thinks, "What happened last night? What have I done? It must have been a wild party." He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is "If there is a God, please let this be a teabag."

Kinky Too Skunky

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"
He says, "Put it between your legs."
"What about the smell?"
"Hold its nose."

Welcome to Hyderabad

Thees is just for the Indians who can manage to understand Hyderabadi..Damn phunny..

In Hyderabad we have our own little Johnny. His name is Chotu. His father is ambitious to educate Chotu. Chotu goes to school located in BegumBazar. Its principal is educated in Urdu high school and claims that he passed tenth class! There is a school inspection the next day and the converstaion is as follows:

Teacher: Kal inispector ayenga.Kochanna puchenga. Sab acha padkar ana.
Chotu: Iski maaki. Kyon to bhi ara inispector? Kya kochana puchta?
Teacher: Abey tou kal school ana hin ney. Tu tera moo khola tou gaali ati.Teroku main absent nahin daalata.

So our Chotu is excited, goes home and tells his father that he is not going to school the next day.

Father: Yeh kya ischool hain yaan paan dibba? Gaand maartoon sale agar tou ischool nahin gaya tou.
Chotu: Baba, meri teacher nei boli nakko aou bolke.
Father: Usku akahal nayye. Begam suno. Chotu ischool nahin jayenga kate kal. Agar ino ischool nahin gaya tou kaisa padenga? Isko tou ischool janahin hain. Chotu, agar tu kal ischool nahin gayana, teri haatha pairaan thod deta hoon.

So Chotu cries and finally agrees to go to school.Next day in school:

Teacher: Arey teri maaki. Nakko aou bolen tou kyoon aya?
Chotu: Meri baba gaand phoodtu bolen ischool nahin aya tou.
Teachr: Uffo? Teri baba boolein? Teek hain. Last bench pe baitna our inispector aya to jarra chup jaana. Dikhna nai. Kuch bhi gadbad karengana meri noukri jayengi.

So Chotu goes to sit in the last bench and hiding behind a tall guy. Inspector comes for the visit.

Inspector: Addab.
Teacher: Addab saab. Bachen acha padreen saab. Kochana pucha answeraan yuun bolte.
Inspector: Bachoon batou. Hamari body mein bahut si najook cheez kyan hain?
Teacher: Arey imtiyaz tu bata.
Imtiyaz: Saab, Khaleja saab.
Inspector: Woh kyun?
Imtiyaz: Saab, khaleja hota tou sab kuch hota. Agar woh gaya na,kuch bhi nahin hota saab.
Inspector: Bahut acha. Our koyi?
Teacher: Arey Akram, tu bata.
Akram: Saab brain saab. Brain ko khuch bhi hua to kuch yaad nahin rahata saab. Our taste bhi naram rahata saab.

In this mean time Chotu is trying very hard to hide but Inspector sees him. He thinks Chotu is hiding because he doesnot know the answer.

Inspector: Woh laast bench pein jhuk ke baitaan na usaka naam kya hain?
Teacher: Chh chh otu.
Inspector: Chotu betein tu bata answer kyan hain?
Chotu: Saab main bola tou teacher marengi saab.
Teacher: Aisa kuch nahin saab. Abey Chotu maloom hain tou bolna.
Chotu: Saab answer Gaand hain saab.
Inspector/Teacher: Abey kyaan to bhi bolra?
Chotu: How saab. Waahan pe delhi mein baamb phat thi. Yeahan hydrabad mein apna gaand phat thi. Wahaan new city mein gadbadaan shuru hotein. Yahaan old city mein bhi apna gaand phat thi gadbada yehaan
phailta bolkein. Uttaa kyoon saab, mein yeah answer bolra na, meri teacher ki gaand phatri!

Just Sock It To Her

A young couple were on their honeymoon.

The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."

And she says, "So have I, love."

To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."

Now Something Serious

Communication
The farmer's wife had a baby each year for the past twelve years in a row. He finally went to a doctor for some advice. "Here's a gross of rubbers," said the doctor. "Just read the instructions on the label."
A year later, the farmer brought his wife in, pregnant again. "Did you follow the instructions on the box?"
"Yep, Doc! Sure I did! The only thing was I didn't have no organ so I put them on the piano."

Rationalisation
From the diary of an Italian girl on a Caribbean cruise: Monday - was invited to dine at the Captain's table
Tuesday - Spent the day with the Captain.
Wednesday-Captain made ungentlemanly proposals to me. Thursday - Capn said he would sink the ship if I did not agree to his proposals.
Friday - Saved five hundred lives.

Resurrection
"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant, it is alcohol and alcohol alone that is responsible for your present sorry state!"
"I am glad to hear you say that," replied Mooney with a sigh of relief. "Everyone else says it is all my fault!"

Acceptance
In order to get a job with the railroad, Angelo had to pass a test. "Suppose two trains were heading for each other rat a hundred miles per hour on the same track," asked the personnel manager,"what would you do?"
"I take-a the red flag and wave them to e-stop,"Angelo answered.
"But you don't have a red flag," pointed the man.
"Then I am-a take-a the switch iron and change the tracks."
"You don't have a switch iron either."
"Well, in that case," decided the Italian, "I am gonna call up-a my wife, Maria."
"What has your wife got to do with two trains coming at each other at a hundred miles an hour?" exclaimed the manager.
"I tell-a her to come down 'cos she has-a gone see the biggest-a mess-s in the world!"

Suppression
Pretty Miss Sheena sat in the confessional.
"Father, I want to confess that I let my boyfriend kiss me."
"Is that all you did?" asked the priest, very interested.
"Well no. I let him put his hand on my leg too."
"And then what?"
"And then, I let him pull down my panties."
"And then, and then...?"
"And then my mother walked into the room."
"Oh shit, " sighed the priest.

Sister Marge and Alice were out walking on a side street. Suddenly, they were grabbed by two men, dragged into a side alley and raped.
"Father, forgive them," said Sister Marge, "for they know not what they do".
"Shut up!" cried Sister Alice, "this one does."

Belief
A little boy came home from Sunday school and his father asked, " What did you learn today?"
"Well" said the kid, "two thousand years ago the Jews wanted to escape from the bad Egyptians. So Moses had the Jews build this suspension bridge across the Red Sea. Then they loaded it down with dynamite. The Jews escaped across the bridge and when all the Egyptians chased them they blew up the bridge, and all the Egyptians were drowned."
"Is that what the teacher told you?" asked the surprised father.
"No," said the boy," but you would never believe the crazy shit he told us."

It's time to wake up guys (my favorite)
An old man went to his doctor. " I have got toilet problems," he complained.
"Well, let us see. How is your urination?"
"Every morning at seven o'clock, like a baby."
"Good. How about your bowel movement?"
"Eight o'clock each morning, like clockwork."
"So, what is the problem?" the doctor asked.
"I don't wake up till nine."

Fear
Kartar's parents were in despair when he flunked out of school. They tried sending him to every school in the city — private, public, progressive, military academy — but he took no interest. Finally they tried a Catholic school. When Kartar came home with his first report card, his parents were surprised to see a straight A report.
"What happened?" they asked him.
"Well." he replied. "When I saw that poor guy nailed to the cross everywhere I looked, I knew they meant business!"

Reality
One woman was showing her child the family album, and they came across the picture of a beautiful man with black hair, very fresh, young. And the child asked, "Who is this, Mom?"
And the mother said, "Don't you recognize him? He is your father!" And the child said, " He is my father? Then who is that bald-headed man who lives with us?"

The 3 Knots

A very old retired sailor put on his old uniform and went down to the docks once more for old times sake. He found a young prostitute and went up into her room with her. A few minutes later found him goin` at it the best he could for a guy his age and condition. He looked up and asked her, "So, how am I doin` there, Honey`?" The prostitute replied, "Well, old sailor, you`re doing about three knots." "What`s that?" he asked in confusion... "Well, mister, as I said, you`re doing `three knots.` You`re knot hard, you`re knot in...and you`re knot getting your money back!" she calmly explained.

The Good, Bad & Ugly

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can`t find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You`re in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He`s a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son`s finally maturing
Bad: He`s involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way ugly: She makes more money than you

Good: Your wife is pregnant
Bad: It`s triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Deer me!!

Little Ernie is at the zoo with his teacher, Miss Goodbody, and the entire class. They are touring around when Ernie sees a deer grazing peacefully on some grass.

“Ernie, can you tell us the name of that animal?” asks Miss Goodbody, pointing to the deer.

“Well,” says Ernie, “I think it is a.... I guess it is a...”

“Let me give you a hint,” interrupts Miss Goodbody. “What does your mother call your father every morning?”

“Oh, right!” shouts Ernie. “It’s an asshole!”

Hip Hip Hooray

A hippie sitting on a city bus notices a young nun sitting across from him, and at once finds himself very attracted to her. He moves to sit with her and after telling her that she is the most beautiful young woman he has ever seen, he asks her out to dinner. The nun declines, and the hippie proceeds to invite the nun for a "roll in the hay" with him sometime. The nun, of course, declines the offer and gets off at the next stop.

The hippie, offended and very disappointed, strikes up a conversation with the bus driver. The driver leans over and says to the hippie, "You really want that nun, huh?" After the hippie nods emphatically and demonsrates his point with several lewd gestures, the driver grins and thinks for a moment. "Well," he says, "Every Thursday at six pm, she takes this bus to the local cemetary, where she prays for about an hour. You two could be alone there...." The hippie grows excited as he thinks of a plan.

Thursday comes, and the hippie waits by the entrance to the cemetary. Sure enough, at six o'clock, he sees the nun enter, and he quietly follows her. She stops and kneels by a headstone and clasps her hands in prayer.

The eager hippie opens his knapsack, and puts on his costume -- a long, flowing white robe and a bearded face mask. He tosses a handful of glitter at the nun, and, catching her attention, he steps slowly towards her. "My child," he says in a soft voice, "It is I, your Lord. You have been such a faithful servant to me, I have come to reward you with a satisfying sexual experience." The nun gasps, "Oh....Well, that is fine, but could you take me from behind? At least that way I could still consider myself a virgin. My vow of celibacy is important to me."

The hippie, eager to get going, nods and takes the nun in his arms. He turns her around, bends her over, and performs anal sex until they are both pleasantly worn out. After they are finished, the hippie pulls of his mask and shouts, "Haha, I'm the hippie!!"

To which the nun responds by taking off his mask and shouting, "Haha, I'm the bus driver!!"

Oh My God. . Oh My God. . .

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini.
"I vant to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I vant to feel your breasts, I veel give you tventy dollars" he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I vant to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says.
"NO! Get away from me"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he says.
She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says "I said NO".
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts" he says.
She thinks, well, he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and five hundred dollars IS a lot of money....
"Well, OK...but only for a minute" she says.
She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel... and then he starts saying "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he is caressing them.
Out of curiosity, she asks him "Why do you keep saying 'Oh my god, oh my god'?",
While continuing to feel her breasts he answers "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD.., where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"