Now Something Serious

Communication
The farmer's wife had a baby each year for the past twelve years in a row. He finally went to a doctor for some advice. "Here's a gross of rubbers," said the doctor. "Just read the instructions on the label."
A year later, the farmer brought his wife in, pregnant again. "Did you follow the instructions on the box?"
"Yep, Doc! Sure I did! The only thing was I didn't have no organ so I put them on the piano."

Rationalisation
From the diary of an Italian girl on a Caribbean cruise: Monday - was invited to dine at the Captain's table
Tuesday - Spent the day with the Captain.
Wednesday-Captain made ungentlemanly proposals to me. Thursday - Capn said he would sink the ship if I did not agree to his proposals.
Friday - Saved five hundred lives.

Resurrection
"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant, it is alcohol and alcohol alone that is responsible for your present sorry state!"
"I am glad to hear you say that," replied Mooney with a sigh of relief. "Everyone else says it is all my fault!"

Acceptance
In order to get a job with the railroad, Angelo had to pass a test. "Suppose two trains were heading for each other rat a hundred miles per hour on the same track," asked the personnel manager,"what would you do?"
"I take-a the red flag and wave them to e-stop,"Angelo answered.
"But you don't have a red flag," pointed the man.
"Then I am-a take-a the switch iron and change the tracks."
"You don't have a switch iron either."
"Well, in that case," decided the Italian, "I am gonna call up-a my wife, Maria."
"What has your wife got to do with two trains coming at each other at a hundred miles an hour?" exclaimed the manager.
"I tell-a her to come down 'cos she has-a gone see the biggest-a mess-s in the world!"

Suppression
Pretty Miss Sheena sat in the confessional.
"Father, I want to confess that I let my boyfriend kiss me."
"Is that all you did?" asked the priest, very interested.
"Well no. I let him put his hand on my leg too."
"And then what?"
"And then, I let him pull down my panties."
"And then, and then...?"
"And then my mother walked into the room."
"Oh shit, " sighed the priest.

Sister Marge and Alice were out walking on a side street. Suddenly, they were grabbed by two men, dragged into a side alley and raped.
"Father, forgive them," said Sister Marge, "for they know not what they do".
"Shut up!" cried Sister Alice, "this one does."

Belief
A little boy came home from Sunday school and his father asked, " What did you learn today?"
"Well" said the kid, "two thousand years ago the Jews wanted to escape from the bad Egyptians. So Moses had the Jews build this suspension bridge across the Red Sea. Then they loaded it down with dynamite. The Jews escaped across the bridge and when all the Egyptians chased them they blew up the bridge, and all the Egyptians were drowned."
"Is that what the teacher told you?" asked the surprised father.
"No," said the boy," but you would never believe the crazy shit he told us."

It's time to wake up guys (my favorite)
An old man went to his doctor. " I have got toilet problems," he complained.
"Well, let us see. How is your urination?"
"Every morning at seven o'clock, like a baby."
"Good. How about your bowel movement?"
"Eight o'clock each morning, like clockwork."
"So, what is the problem?" the doctor asked.
"I don't wake up till nine."

Fear
Kartar's parents were in despair when he flunked out of school. They tried sending him to every school in the city — private, public, progressive, military academy — but he took no interest. Finally they tried a Catholic school. When Kartar came home with his first report card, his parents were surprised to see a straight A report.
"What happened?" they asked him.
"Well." he replied. "When I saw that poor guy nailed to the cross everywhere I looked, I knew they meant business!"

Reality
One woman was showing her child the family album, and they came across the picture of a beautiful man with black hair, very fresh, young. And the child asked, "Who is this, Mom?"
And the mother said, "Don't you recognize him? He is your father!" And the child said, " He is my father? Then who is that bald-headed man who lives with us?"