Wedlock humor

Why do Bride & Groom exchange varmaala at the wedding ?
To tell each other affectionately... Sweetheart U R Dead !

• Different Phases of a man:
After engagement: Superman
After Marriage: Gentleman
After 10 years: Watchman
After 20 years: Doberman

(That was hilarious)

• There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbour has it

• Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

• A man who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A man who surrenders when he's NOT SURE, is WISE.
A man who surrenders when he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND

• Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes.

• Why dogs don't marry?
Because they are already leading a dog's life!

• Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!

• Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!

• Life is a paradox-what u want u don't get(love), what u get, u don't njoy(marriage), what u njoy is not permanent(girlfriend), what is permanent is boring(wife)

• What men want: A woman who can cook, a woman who earns good money, a woman who loves him & a system to make sure that those 3 women never meet
each other!

• Lady 2 her maid: Oh Kanta, I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair with his secretary."
Kanta : I don't believe it! U r just saying that 2 make me jealous!"

Original

The bank robbers rush into the bank and order all the customers and clerks to get behind the counter. Then they tell everyone to take off all their clothes and lie face down on the floor.
One nervous female clerk pulls off her dress and lies down, face up.
“Turn over, Reena,” whispers her friend, “this is a robbery, not the office party!”

Hungry Kya?

A farmer, munching on a cookie, is watching a big rooster chasing a hen and gaining ground at every lap. The farmer throws a piece of cookie in front of the racing pair.
The rooster comes to a sliding stop and gobbles up the tidbit.
“Gosh,” says the farmer, “ I hope I never get that hungry.”

The Italian Case

Luigi comes home after eighteen months abroad and is amazed to find his wife, Carlotta, has a three-week-old baby.
Carlotta explains that she dreamt she had sex with him and got pregnant.
Luigi sues for a divorce and in court; the judge is astounded by Carlotta’s story. The judge stands up and asks the audience if they ever had intercourse with a ghost.
In the back of the courtroom, Luigi’s grandfather raises his hand, and the judge calls him up to testify.
“Now-a,” says the judge, “you-say-a you had-a intercourse with a ghost?”
“Ah, scusa,” says the old Italian, “ I thought-a you say-a goat!”

Innocent Ones

I

One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny. Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was. Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

II
Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while. "You understand it now?" Mommy asks. "Yes," replies her daughter. "Do you still have any questions?" "Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?" "In exactly the same way as with babies." "Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"

III
"Papa," said little Johnny, "how do babies come into the world?"
"The stork brings them, son."
"Hey, pa, don't tell me you did it with a stork!"

Snotty Curiosity

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers.
The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is. "Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

"From my nose," the drunk replied.

Kinky Skunky

A drunk staggers walks into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef. "Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?"
Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left." The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference."
Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment.
He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?"
She replies, "We have our own chicken farm."
The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster? "No," she says.
The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens."

S.H.I.T.

A guy walks into a bar, puts his pet rabbit up on the mahogany, and starts drinking. While he's drinking, the rabbit starts doing little rabbit pellets on the bar. After a while, he leaves, and another guy, a real loudmouth, walks in.

He says, "Hey, barkeep, give me a drink for me, a drink for you, what do you say, there's nothing to do." He has a few drinks, and the whole time he's running his mouth, annoying the bartender. Finally, he spots the rabbit pellets.

He says, "Hey, barkeep, what are these?"
The bartender says, "They're smart pills."
The loudmouth says, "Can I try a few?" The bartender says, "Knock yourself out."
The guy pops a few in his mouth, chews for a while, then spits them out and exclaims, "Yuck! These taste like shit!"
The bartender says, "You're getting smarter already."